It was supposed to have happened by now. I was supposed to know my purpose, my calling. It’s what you always hear about happening when you get “there.” What you always think by the time you are “here” will be well established. My career should have been ending in 10 years and instead I find myself wondering what in the hell, I am going to do next.
2 ½ years ago I was forced out of my treasured office and “let go” from a job I worked at and loved for 12 years. A job I, never in a million years, would have walked away from. An office I spent 55 hours a week at. The money was good, the people I worked with were my closest friends, and I just “knew” this was the end of the working road for me somewhere during year 8. I suppose in retrospect, I got too comfortable.
So, when I lost the career due to uncontrollable circumstances, I panicked. Who was I outside of this job? How would the diminished earning capacity change my life? Where would I fit in the regular working world, after running a multi-million dollar company that ultimately kicked me to the curb without even a thank you?
The rumors of why I lost my job flew through the office and shattered who I thought I was– she wasn’t smart enough, she was too “old school”, she wasn’t going in the direction the company wanted to go…This after I helped it grow from a garage. ……my self-esteem was officially hiding under a rock.
I can tell you for the first year I was numb. I watched morning shows, and cooking shows, and Netflix. But mostly I sat around aimlessly wondering what’s next. I went to therapy twice a week trying to make sense of my life. And then, something started to shift. With hours in my day alone, I found meditation and I started to unveil who I really was. I started, for the first time in my whole life getting to know myself.
And, I started to play.
It wasn’t something I planned, but being in a position to watch my then 2yr old grandson, I had little choice but to learn how to play.
Spending that year through a child’s eye view that few adults could understand,and learning to play every day, led me to much healing around a painful situation, but, it also left me with an open wound when thinking about my future.
What was next? WHAT WAS MY PURPOSE? WHAT WAS MY CALLING TO THE WORLD?
My patience was running thin, I felt inadequate, my self-talk was getting worse and worse- your un-hirable-no-one wants to hire someone your age- starting over isn’t your strong point-
Why didn’t I know yet?
Enter the synchronicity of this awesome universe and I found myself in a room with 1400 others listening to these words by Dr. Wayne Dyer: “You do not have to know your life’s purpose, just be yourself and it will come” He said, “ be as you as you can be and- be open to those little callings you get each and every day, and- follow them and- ask yourself why these things are showing up instead of analyzing or fearing them “ He went further to say, “if you are in doubt and looking for the answers, do some service – anything to help someone else and you will find your purpose – It will flow to you when you advance confidently towards your dreams”. “Live”- he said , FEARLESSLY
I felt this sudden sense of relief and this huge expansion in my heart. I felt like the universe was giving me permission to finally just be me, job or no job. You mean, I don’t have to “figure” this out? I can just be me and it will come? It seemed so far-fetched I could hardly grasp it, until I got home and started to read the want ads, and nothing fit.
I am actually proud to say that I do not know what my calling is right here today. Two days ago I wasn’t. I am shedding the persona that I have to have it all together or that I need a working label to define me. I know that I have completely mastered the art of being myself, much too some peoples angst.
With this new found self -love mission I am on, I am truly looking forward with excitement at the mere possibility of what my next chapter will bring. I look out at this journey with the knowing, and, the awareness that it will indeed come. My eyes will be open and I will be ready when it shows up. In the meantime, I will just sit here, and be me. Maybe find something of service
Welcome to cathslife #selflove #globallove